Up the butt.

When I was a kid, I used to do a lot of shit outside with my friends. And just like Fozzy Bear and the rest of the MB's, we'd rock out imagination to the limits. Fridays we were ninjas planning out assinations. Saturdays we were hardened soldiers, combing the local forests for the vietnamese. On Sundays, we picked our favorite G.I. Joes, and in the blink of an eye, 3 'Snake-Eyes' battled Cobra forces throughout the neighborhood. Then finally, back to the weekdays, we all just became mindless home-work drone morons counting down the recesses at school until we could rush home and bust some Footclan ass on the television.

Now school wasn't that bad, was it? Well, frankly, I don't remember a damn bit about my years in elementary school with the exception of 5th grade, so it couldn't have been that remarkable. Every year sucked, until that one week when you were introduced to one of the coolest subjects ever to sneak its way into the education system. What subject am I speaking of? I'm talking about DINOSAURS.

Kidnappers have been going about it all wrong for years. "Trying to get me to come into your van for a Snickers? Give me a break. Candy doesn't impress me. Oh what's that? You got a collection of miniature dinosaurs? Fuck yeah. I'll go wherever you want."

Kids love dinosaurs, and why not? They're huge monsters with armor and teeth and they're all different with different abilities. Not to mention each one comes with it's own "connect the dot" coloring page to kill 30 minutes of class time. Fuck yeah I loved dinosaurs. I loved them so much I wanted them to no longer be extinct! I wanted them for friends and for pets, and I prayed to God that one day a Triceratops and I would party together and kill all my enemies. Well, all that praying somehow payed off...and the USA network made my dreams come true.

 

 

A dinosaur that can play the electric guitar? F yeah! I could watch this all day. But unfortunately, after a dozen or so episodes, I realized that Denver had no intentions on eating anybody...and I had a 6 year old blood lust that needed satisfying. I was praying to the wrong person. God gave me Denver and Barney and Baby Bop. If I wanted good dinosaurs I need to pray to someone who could deliver me dinosaurs with teeth and claws, and shit, why not some machine guns while we're at. Well I prayed to the devil, and he answered my prayers dead on.

 

HOLY SHIT! Dinosaurs from space? With jet planes and laser guns? You fucking read my mind, Satan, you fucking knew EXACTLY what I wanted. But a wish to the devil has its price. If I wanted to watch this show, it would have to be at 6 fucking 30 in the morning on weekdays before school. I saw maybe 2-3 episodes until it simply wasn't worth it anymore. My dreams of living with the dinosaurs came to an end, and I would be forced to settle with the likes of 'Serendipidity the Pink Dragon',  the dorks from 'A Land Before Time', and episodes of the god awful 'Flintstones'. Dinosaurs were gradually becoming lame. Crazy religious people were even saying there was "no such thing as the dinosaurs", and impressionable kids who used to believe were listening to this nonsense. Leave it to the religious right to ruin everybody's fun.

 Years later, a man by the name of Steven Spielberg graced us with "man-on-toilet" eating action with the dinosaur epic called "Jurassic Park". It was awesome, but it wasn't dinosaur dna zoos that made dinosaurs hip again. Who ended up fixing the world's anti-dinosaur rhetoric? The brothers. And I'm not talking about black people you racist bigot. I'm talking about italians.

 

 

 Super Mario World for the SUPER nintendo had a dinosaur. That you could ride. And it ate people. And shot fireballs. And flew. And stomped or whatever. Yoshi was going to change the way we looked at dinosaurs forever. Because all of a sudden, dinosaur shit flooded the market. I got to eat dinosaur fruitsnacks, dinosaur mack and cheese, and even motherfucking dinosaur shaped spagetti-o's at school cleverly dubbed "Dino-pasta". Dinosaurs were back, and they were kicking ass and taking names.

 

 

The next clip is of a cartoon called "X-treme Dinosaurs". The show aired immediately after the jawsome "Street Sharks" and the action figures were fucking cool as hell. I still have a few, but as for the show, it sucked, and I honestly think this was the dinosaurs last ditch effort to make a buck off exploitable children and their imaginations. 

 

 

 I highly doubt you were able to watch the entirety of that mess they tried to trick kids into thinking was an "X-TREME" dinosaur show. But I don't blame you. The animation was terrible, and that specific video was from Germany, sooo, yeah.

In conclusion, it's a shame we don't have more dinosaurs flying around in F-16's  blowing the shit out Nazi's and other dinosaurs. Maybe someday, but is any of this of any real signifigance to us 23 year old bloggers? No. Not a damn bit. And that's why I sign off today with a video that will hopefully make up for all the ridiculousness and fact-less tangents that today's post reaked of. Enjoy.

 

  

Best introduction to a television show? Quite possibly. 

 

 

 

It fucking hurts, doesn't it? The radness that is time travel. The unthinkable ability of screwing the present by traveling to the past. Dinosaurs, cowboys, nazi's, and even Cyndi Lauper could all be re-experienced over and over again with nothing but a sooped-up oldsmobile with lambo doors. It's been sitting in Hollywood like some unattainable dream that only celebrities and robots can enjoy--- but that's all about to change. You say you don't believe me? Well your a dickhead.

 

Michael J. Fox did it. He used a car. Terminator did it too. But that's an innate ability of skeleton robots. Timecop was responsible for solving inter-dimensional mysteries...I guess. I never saw it. But if surfers dudes with partially decent air-guitar skills can rig a telephone booth to kidnap Napoleon, well then, fuckin' A. It's gotta be possible, right?  According to string theory physics, it is. And I ganked the youtube video to prove it.

Other famous time traveling badasses:

(I added Urkel in there because I think he did it in an episode of 'Family Matters'. If he didn't, it doesn't matter. We all know he damn well could have.)

 

The following video is fairly long, but informative. It's complicated at first, so you may need to watch it a few times before your mind can grasp the concept of inter-dimensional travel. They're abstract theories of course, so it could be difficult to even believe that other dimensions exist in the first place. The second video will help you understand how to relate our 3-dimensional existance to creatures living in a 2-D world. It's much shorter, but helps you understand what it is to be God, and how reasonable God's "powers" are. Just watch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pretty intense right? Most of you probably just watched the first couple minutes of each video, said "fuck it", and scrolled down to look at the ugly picture of the monkey boy from "Land of the Lost". Well good for you. You officially screwed yourself for discovering the secrets of the next episodes of 'Lost'. 'Lost' and time travel? That's right, you dick. 'Lost' and time travel. And if you don't believe me, check out the trailer to season 4 of 'Lost' and try to make any sense of it and Locke's survival without the secret technology of Christopher Lloyd's Delorian. You can't, so you better go rewatch those string theory videos I posted.

 

 Two of the same rabbit? Two Lockes? An army of guys with patch eyes? Not in a world with just 3 dimensions. Hello McFly!

 

Remember this asshole from "Land of the Lost"? I barely do. But I know enough to hate him. Wait a second...he sort of looks like that kid from "The Road Warrior". How can he possibly exist in post-apocaplytic world of Mad Max AND in the land of the dinosaurs??? There's only one explanation: Time Travel.

 

 

 So what's so great about time travel, really? I mean is meeting your dead ancestors really that cool? No. And that's not what I'd do if I could time travel anyways. What would I do? Well we all heard the tales of taking a hundred bucks back and investing it into the stock market so you can become insanely rich beyond your wildest dreams. But personally, that's too predictable and a tad lame. I'd much rather set my time machine to the Dark Ages and bring with me an electirc guitar so I could rock the faces off every motherfuckin' wench and arch bishop with the sweet sounds of 'Free Bird'. They wouldnt know what hit them. (I also know the irony in traveling to an era without electricity in the first place, but come on, it's fucking time travel we're talking about. None of this really has to make any sense).

So is time travel pretty cool? Yeah. And I hope you learned something today about possibilities of inter-dimensional travel. You probably didn't though. Next time I think I'll post a bit about Kenan & Kel. Those guys fucking rocked.

 

 

Remember the first Ninja Turles game for the old NES? Fuck yeah you remember. And chances are, you wish you hadn't. Well I'm not apolozing just because you suck at video-games, but lets agree on one thing: the underwater level was a bitch.

 It was crazy hard, and at just 5 or 6 years old, it was borderline child abuse. Thankfully, there is a man who has dedicated his life to playing and criticizing terrible video games for our personal enjoyment, thus preventing us from ever having to experience first hand some of the worst video games of all time. Now James Rolfe (the angry video game nerd) has made many many videos, but I'd have to say this was one of his best, particularly because it hits so close to home. I hope you enjoy.

 

You can see more of "The Angry Video Game Nerd"'s videos at http://screwattack.com/AngryNerdMain.html. Please check it out. Pick a game that you've played before and watch-- you won't be disappointed.

James Quall. "Doin' it for the kids".

I know a few crackheads. It's true. I know em. You wouldn't know it just by looking at them. Well, they are uglier than the average looking person (probably why they resorted to crack in the first place), but their unattractiveness wouldnt necessarily give away they secret obsession with crack. But I do know crackheads.

Obviously, for the sake of their privacy, I won't reveal their names, but trust me, I know crackheads. Now I don't particularly engage in conversation with these crackheads on a regular basis, but that doesn't mean I say 'hi' when they give me one of their crack-coated smiles in the supermarket. Oh? You're surprised crackheads shop at your local Jewel-Osco??? Well they do, you stereo-typing ignorant prick. Crackheads gotta eat too. And pop-tarts and pizza rolls just happen to be their favorite food (atleast for the crackheads I know).

First off, crackheads really fucked up. There is one common event that took place in every crackhead’s life, which they all failed miserably. Each and everyone of them was asked the question- “Hey, do you want to try some CRACK?”. And somehow, little ‘jimmy’ and sweet ‘susan’ gave the reply – “Yes. Crack sounds like a good decision.” Therefore inevitably condemning themselves to the life of a crackhead for the rest of their years. Oops.

Okay, so we can make the argument that it’s not really their fault, and that their lives were taking a turn for the worse. Jimmy’s bills weren’t getting paid on time. He just got canned from his job at Speedway for sneakin slim jims. His g/f was handing out bj’s behind the highschool, just cuz’. And to top it off, he treated himself to a movie at the local theatre and “One Missed Call” sucked. Seriously, where else can a person turn to besides dvd box sets, hookers, and the local church? Personally, I would’ve just picked internet porn, but that’s where we and the crackheads differ. Jimmy chose crack. And crack kills.

 

Imagine waking up naked in an alley, covered in your own vomit and feces, somebody else’s blood, and you have no memory of the last two nights of your life. That’s what it’s like for werewolves. I can’t imagine crackheads being that much different. I don’t really know. I’m not an expert on crackheads. But I did upload some photos of crackheads specifically for your viewing pleasure:

*note* I have no real evidence any of these people are actual crackheads, I simply typed "crackhead" into google and yanked their images

 

 

The one that really surprised me was tobey maguire. Spider-man's a junkie? Well, according to Google, he is. I smell a defamation suit coming on. And deservedly so. I also tried to find an equal number of black and white crackheads, because in the world of crack, race really isn't an issue. Hmm. That's interesting. Maybe we can learn something from crackheads after all...

 

"I'll drive that tanka."

Four words that will start the long upcoming journey into the mind that is DougRockCity. Adventure? Yes. Fuck yes. Mystery? Maybe. Drama and passion?!? You fucking know it!

 

These ain’t yo daddy’s posts. Grammatical awareness, coherent dialogue, and logic don’t belong here. This is the next level, bitches. This is the new expansion set. I’m a motherfuckin’ lvl 61 Warrior, and your sister just got pwned. What’s that? You can’t afford the 15 dollars a month to play online? Well this lesson’s free:

 

DOUG ROCK CITY.

 

Put that up your butt and smoke it. Cuz’ the trains leaving, and this trip’s non-stop with no restroom breaks. You just gotta hold it, kid. You just gotta hold it.

 

with love.